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Sinful掲示板

Thumb スレッド作者Jaime
スレッド名Chapter 1 - proofread Icon Portuguese
作成日時2011年05月20日 15:27

Sinful

Chapter 1

Page 1:

  • "and then a sound as if many stones were dropping from the sky" - 'falling' instead of 'dropping'.

Page 3:

  • "There's a black scorch mark on the ground!" - either 'dark' or 'blackened'.
  • "is there a festival?" - This doesn't make sense. Can you explain?

Page 4:

  • "The holy birch affects a large area." - "covers a wide area".

Page 5:

  • "Sure hope he's paying for the stay." - "hope he can pay for his lodgings"; when someone has to stay someplace for an extended period of time, it's more properly called 'lodgings'./ul]

Page 7:

  • "My family's land was taken by some baron" - I strongly recommend a comma after baron to separate it from the name he gives next.
  • "I learned witchfinder skills to make a living." - "I picked up the skills of a witchfinder"; 'learned' implies someone taught him, whereas "picked up" implies being self-taught.
  • "but fortune allowed me to uncover a powerful witch." - "but I was fortunate and discovered a powerful witch".

Page 8:

  • "It tossed me around for a while" - "knocked me around".
  • "But, after tossing me with some extra strength" - "after hitting me with a really strong blow".
  • "In further toying with me" - "in toying with me further".

Page 9:

  • "until we have some clothes ready for you" - "until we get some clothing".
  • "I can't understand" - "I don't understand".
  • "Ah, so it came to avenge its friend" - "it was avenging".
  • "Principally my broken leg" - "especially my broken leg".
  • "to compensate for your troubles, I promisse" - "to compensate you for your trouble, I promise".
  • "I'm afraid I'll keep on" - "I'm afraid I'll have to continue".

Page 10:

  • "the demon's claws left an evil essence that would seep into my flesh and corrode me" - "the demon's claws poisoned me with an evil essence that would seep into me, and I would decay".
  • "The holy aura around this village is already acting to purge my blood" - "is already starting to purge my blood".

Page 12:

  • "Way too much, in fact." - "Too perfect, in fact."
  • "Since Lucifer and the gang was kicked" - "Lucifer and everyone were kicked", although "Lucifer and the gang were kicked" works as well.
  • "We've been trying to take humanity along to hell" - "trying to drag humanity to hell too", though "lure humanity to hell too" works as well.
  • "The usual method is to hide yourself under a human illusion" "Our usual method is to wear the illusory guise of a human".
  • "I can lower my presence and turn my body into a perfect human replica" - "I can reduce my presence and change my body to appear perfectly human".
  • "sidestep holy seals and the whatnot" - "and whatnot".
  • "It's one of my -few- greatest" - "it's one of my -few- best".
  • "I really should be a hell count" - "a count of hell".

Page 13:

  • "I'm just as frail as a human when in disguise." - "when changed like this."
  • "directly or indirectly, anything works." - "anything goes."
  • "Why not put work and fun together" - "Why not combine work and play".
  • "virgin girls before marriage" - "before they get married".
  • "and isn't always a success" - "and isn't always successful".
  • "ensure results" - "ensure the best result".

Page 14:

  • "I created wonderful combinations of characteristics to look the most handsome" - "I have created many awesome combinations of characteristics to look as handsome as possible".
  • "four thousand years in tribute" - "of tribute".

Page 15:

  • "I asked to my not friend" - either "not-friend" or "former friend".
  • "how I should have sent countless" - "how I should have been sending".

Page 16:

  • "It was my only bet" - "only chance".

Page 17:

  • "Bitch" - "Son of a bitch"; the other is generally not used as an epithet to refer to men.
  • "because offensive magic is *not* one of my -few- greatest abilities" - "best abilities", as before.
  • "So I set these guys from a monastery" - "set these monks".

Page 18:

  • "only for the sake" - "just for the sake".
  • "In fact, their real looks depend on their inner-self" - "how they look depends on their inner selves".
  • "and the whatnot" - "and whatnot", as before.
  • "I can tell the other demons" - "I can tell that".
  • "to do a convincing human" - "to look convincingly human".

Page 22:

  • "it pressed me down till I felt like I had turned into a smear on the ground" - "it crushed me down until I felt like I was being turned into a smear on the ground".
  • "a demon, on holy grounds" - "on holy ground".
  • "And this is how I ended up here" - "And that is".

Icon Portuguese

書き込み

Thumb43

Elanor Pam

"is there a festival?" - This doesn't make sense. Can you explain?

She thought the black scorch mark looked like the remains of a bonfire - or at least that's what I had in mind when I wrote that line back in 2004. It was a trait of Nancy's (which faded away as I developed her further) that she'd spot an obvious clue or evidence for the supernatural or for Herbert's lies and interpret it wildly out of context, reaching a conclusion which only made sense in her head (like the "I had no idea demons were so nice" line). Another trait was that she'd lose track of the calendar and festivities would jump on her without warning.

Back then these traits made more sense - I hadn't come up with her parents yet, and she was supposed to live in an isolated shack on her own. Herbert was also supposed to move out of her shack when healed, and to his own miserable shack, lovingly built by the community, which he'd absolutely hate. By the time I picked the story back up in 2006, though, I'd reached the conclusion that it was better to have them interact in one single, bigger environment.

So, the second trait simply wouldn't make sense anymore, since Nancy's very own home depended on the local festivities for sustenance. As for the first trait, I simply didn't have enough opportunities to reinforce it in a non-invasive way, so it fell to the wayside. Her characterization marched on, as TV-Tropes would say. I still like the line, though, especially because it doesn't make a lick of sense in context. I guess I want readers to ask me about it, so I can go on about the process of building her character and how she changed between that page and the following ones.

"but fortune allowed me to uncover a powerful witch." - "but I was fortunate and discovered a powerful witch".

This I contest. In the Middle Ages, Fortune was the one who spun the Wheel of Fate, an active agent which could help or hinder. It was often referred to as a person.

"the demon's claws left an evil essence that would seep into my flesh and corrode me" - "the demon's claws poisoned me with an evil essence that would seep into me, and I would decay".

I wanted to invoke the mental image of acid literally corroding his flesh (and then reference it through his failed healing attempt in what became chapter 4). Decaying is just rotting, it doesn't bring the same mental image to me. I like the rest of the sentence, though.

"The usual method is to hide yourself under a human illusion" "Our usual method is to wear the illusory guise of a human".
"I can lower my presence and turn my body into a perfect human replica" - "I can reduce my presence and change my body to appear perfectly human".

Aren't "the illusory guise of a human" and "appear perfectly human" pretty much the same, though? The main difference between Bert and other demons is that, while others use illusions to appear human, Bert, more than just appearing human, can become physically "human".

Okay, instead of commenting on each and all lines I feel the absurd need to justify, I'll try to describe my inner "Herbert voice" and how he's supposed to sound like. The short of it: an entitled, but not very articulate idiot.

The long of it: When Herbert breaks the fourth wall, he's supposed to stop being polite and start being an arrogant, immature brat. He also talks like a kid who thinks he's articulate but isn't; it's his "real" voice, the one he uses when talking to himself - and then, as he opens up, when talking to those he feels at ease around. You picked up several genuine mistakes, but in those two lines about his disguise, for example, other than changing "lower" to "reduce" (which I agree makes better sense), you're just making Herbert sound like a better speaker than he's supposed to.

In short: Herbert is supposed to make mistakes in his lines. But he's supposed to make the mistakes a native speaker would, and not the ones a foreign speaker would. So, if possible, I would like you to filter all of Herbert's lines through an "annoying teenager" filter whenever he's being informal.

I hope you don't feel like I'm dismissing your work. I can see you took a lot of care in not letting the slightest detail pass you by. However, the way a person talks can say a lot about them, and I'd like Herbert's verbal idiosyncrasies to reveal something to the reader as well. Still, thank you for your work, and sorry for this long unhelpful response.

2011年05月20日 17:32 (edited 2011年05月20日 17:38) 引用 | 通報

Thumb43

Jaime

For what it's worth, I just pick out everything that looks odd or that I think could be improved. If you have a reason why you want it to stay that way, then I have no problems with that.

Okay, so addressing your comments:

She thought the black scorch mark looked like the remains of a bonfire - or at least that's what I had in mind when I wrote that line back in 2004.

What you said about the festival makes sense. Only thing I'd suggest is going to past tense, i.e. "Was there a festival?" instead of "Is there a festival?"

This I contest. In the Middle Ages, Fortune was the one who spun the Wheel of Fate, an active agent which could help or hinder. It was often referred to as a person.

Alright. I didn't recognize that it was intended to represent an actor. Then, "but Fortune allowed me to discover".

I wanted to invoke the mental image of acid literally corroding his flesh (and then reference it through his failed healing attempt in what became chapter 4). Decaying is just rotting, it doesn't bring the same mental image to me. I like the rest of the sentence, though.

I didn't catch that particular connotation - I was thinking of corroding metal. So, "and I would corrode from the inside out".

Aren't "the illusory guise of a human" and "appear perfectly human" pretty much the same, though? The main difference between Bert and other demons is that, while others use illusions to appear human, Bert, more than just appearing human, can become physically "human".

I think I see the problem here. Instead of 'appear', 'become'.

Okay, instead of commenting on each and all lines I feel the absurd need to justify,

I don't consider it absurd - you're the writer. Just bear in mind that I'm pointing out things that look odd to me - if there's a reason you have them that way, then that's fine.

you're just making Herbert sound like a better speaker than he's supposed to.

Okay. I didn't realize that those were intended to be that way. I did catch that he was talking more like a swaggering brat than the noble traveler he was pretending to be, though, and I tried to allow for that. Obviously not quite enough, but it should be easier now that you've alerted me to it.

Just bear in mind that I may catch on some stuff that's intentionally put that way in the future. My feeling is that it's better to flag stuff that isn't necessary to change, than to miss stuff that is. If it happens in the future, let me know; I'm not going to take it amiss to be told that something's supposed to be that way even if it's not 'proper' English.

I hope you don't feel like I'm dismissing your work. I can see you took a lot of care in not letting the slightest detail pass you by. However, the way a person talks can say a lot about them, and I'd like Herbert's verbal idiosyncrasies to reveal something to the reader as well. Still, thank you for your work, and sorry for this long unhelpful response.

I don't feel that way at all. Believe me, I am not going to complain about getting a better understanding of the reason you wrote him that way, because then I gain a better understanding of what needs to be left alone.

I also don't consider your response to be unhelpful. You explained your reasoning pretty well, and I should be able to better gauge things when I edit the next chapter. And again, what I put when I proofread are along the lines of suggestions or advice, and if some of it doesn't work, I'm not going to take it badly to be told so.

2011年05月20日 19:17 引用 | 通報

Thumb43

Elanor Pam

I also don't consider your response to be unhelpful. You explained your reasoning pretty well, and I should be able to better gauge things when I edit the next chapter. And again, what I put when I proofread are along the lines of suggestions or advice, and if some of it doesn't work, I'm not going to take it badly to be told so.

It makes me feel infinitely better to read this. I guess I'm just too used to forums in which conversations turn sour at the drop of a hat, everything is taken as a personal attack and you have to put a disclaimer on everything you say... and since I'm kinda sick, I simply can't assume the things I'm writing are coming across the way I intended them to.

2011年05月20日 21:50 引用 | 通報

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